My "White Nigths"

Finland - 2:16 am

Coniunctio IV

 I arrived a day before Juhannus, when the midnight sun circles the sky in the far north without setting for several days—several days without night, white nights.

I was so close to Saint Petersburg that it felt like we were now sharing the same sky.

And I, who always thought that distance was morphine for those who feel pain, suddenly found that nothing around me could make me forget. Suddenly, not even all the morphine in the world could numb such a thing.

I discovered that I found many words in silence; perhaps that’s why they come to me most during the early morning hours, even though I’m writing now in the morning light.

I would spend the nights awake, contemplating the days within the nights, and realized that words don’t come from the dark skies of the night—they come from the early hours, from the silence the world makes while almost everyone sleeps.

Feeling immense happiness knowing my spirit was never wrong and that I kept finding answers was a joy that also reminded me of you.

And when I wrote, I found you, and thus, I found myself too.

I thought those white nights would last forever, but when I least expected it, the darkness of night began to return.

Until then, I hadn’t thought of leaving, but the day I could see stars in the sky again, I knew it was time.

I was on the verge of leaving everything behind; I wouldn’t see this island again for a long time.

But it seems it was necessary to see the stars again to change my path completely. And I, who so often thought you were steering me away from my purpose, realized that, in truth, you were only guiding me toward it.

Sometimes, I wondered if the fruit of my fertile imagination had created all of it, but what cannot be described or explained—what is felt—well, that was undeniable.

I met the man on the bridge, over there, and listened to his stories for a while.

And what I predicted happened.

Conflicts between my Extra one and my Antagonist. Yet, in the end, it seems they finally made peace.

I began to revisit the facts and question things. I thought I was in doubt, and I felt agony and sadness—perhaps these are the feelings doubt stirs in me.

It was the incoherence between body and spirit, between soul and matter.

I know no one understood anything.

A long time ago, when the model of the atom was still retrograded, and when I still believed in absolute truths.

In my Old Testament, when I saw things differently, I thought love had a different meaning for me—perhaps only because I hadn’t known it genuinely.

I judged Nastenka. How could she return to the one who had abandoned her? And unjustly abandon the one who offered her love?

It turns out I liked to think I had a king’s word and that the respect afforded to kings came from their never-going-back on a decision.

I became as cruel as they were and abused my majesty’s power. Later, I had to burn my heart on embers many times to achieve what was most important to me.

Then, your majesty discovered humility. But she also finally learned that, in a world of decisions and priorities, those that brought her happiness were more important than those that brought her reason.

I had to lose a lot to understand that I couldn’t ask the world to adapt to me. Since I was the one living here, I had to adapt to it.

I mistreated myself, too, because I gave up my desires for the sake of pride—because I didn’t accept the death of things or people or because I didn’t yet know that the death of things is also a rebirth.

When I was already weak from searching for a way out, while I sought answers outside, I saw that mirror once again and realized it had given me answers long ago.

I saw that nothing is sadder in life than not being true to oneself.

"My baby blue, you are my favorite color..."

Deep down, a feeling accompanied by certainty surrounded my thoughts.

I wanted to reach my full potential once again to achieve wholeness.

I wanted the life I dreamed of, and another wouldn’t serve.

I prefer to live in pursuit.

For someone who has lived only of beginnings for so long, believing for so long that there were no happy endings, living in pursuit isn’t bad at all.

I no longer judge Nastenka because I understand her altogether now.

And then everything I predicted happened.

One glance was all it took for me to be sure.

I wasn’t expecting it, and this time, I was truly surprised "by chance."

It was like seeing a star in the dark sky after so many days of light. The beautiful and the sublime could inhabit the same gaze.

But then, I had to cut the cord to move forward.

It took me a long time to do so. I didn’t want to. One day, I accepted that there were no more paths, nothing more I could do, and in the end, it was the path.

Sometimes, I wonder if I was simply ridiculous if I fully embraced the role of a fool.

But at the same time, I laugh at it because I realize how much less foolish I am now.

I learned from you.

No, that’s not a bad thing—it was just what I needed.

In nature, opposites are the same.

I need your shadow just as much as you need my light.

Because what I actually needed was my own shadow back and give you back your light.

We are only where we’re meant to be. Each day, you’ll see that when you let go of your ego, you will return to yourself.

I am on the reverse path—the reverse path that crosses yours.

Yin and Yang.

That’s why I need you.

I need you like I’ve never needed anyone.

I need you to help me change the world through ourselves.

I won't sell you my thoughts; the price for them is to live all the lives I lived, that I live, and that I will live.

You can not pay for it.

Therefore, I’ll give you all my words if you make sure they will never die.

After experiencing wholeness, I no longer wanted anything else.

I ignore all the possible problems that may come from the realization of this story because I see such greatness in the future that I know everything else will seem small.

One day, I understood that this is just a passage.

We are eternal—"The universe is mental."

Just as the apple falls from the tree, it disintegrates, dies, and nourishes the mother tree that will so bear a new apple.

Nothing has ever indeed died within me; everything has only transformed.

I am the one who chose to feel and live. I will not simply exist. I want to see what life holds beyond the perspective of those who never search for anything.

Since I’m here, I want to do the best I can.

I’ll follow my intuition—I will no longer be the fish that needs to fly to please the birds.

In the end, this isn’t just about romance, and even if he never returns, even like that,  it was worth it to have loved him.

Thiara Màtos.

                                                                  Finland - 2:16 am