The window I spent days on end staring through...
Oh, it may not seem like it has such a great view — and sometimes it really doesn’t — but most of the time, yes, most of the time, it was one of the best views for me.
The tree I watched from afar became a teacher.
I observed it during stormy days, often thinking it wouldn’t make it through, but by the second sunny day, there it was again — beautiful and strong, its branches swaying in a sublime rhythm, almost like they were dancing a waltz.
There were days when I saw it still, as if truly going through a tamasic phase.
Some days, radiant; others, introspective — but always, alive.
From this window, I watched the dark Irish sky, with its pinkish or grey clouds, and the clouds spoke to me through their shapes, through their weeping rain, and through their passage of time.
Has anyone ever noticed that in the dark sky, there are white birds flying high?
Or when black birds fly amidst the gray skies?
There were also days when I saw this whole scene in much stronger and more vibrant colors.
The green of the tree leaves would simply glow, and the sky was royal blue.
On other days, the colors became duller. I don’t know why.
But we don’t question our intuition — we simply follow it, right?
So many days looking out this window, learning, observing, rationalizing — and now, creating.
And also, many other days crying tears of joy for looking outside and remembering the pandemic days, when I cried from depression down below, every time I went out for a smoke.
Yes, I cried tears of joy for being healed. I cried with gratitude for all the love I now carry inside me.
I cried thanking God for having made a miracle of my life — and yes, life is a miracle!
But there were also days when I cried out of sadness, for feeling misunderstood. Yet soon after, I would smile, because each of those tears washed away anything from my body I no longer needed — and at that moment, what I didn’t need anymore was to care about making anyone believe in me.
Then Savana sang to me:
"Hold up, maybe I don't need you to believe me, I just need to have faith in what I perceive and choose to embody.
The brilliance of the stars
The truth of what we are
Universal Consciousness bottled up in human skin
That's where the dance begins, that's where the dance begins."
It was a long time of meditation, and I didn’t even realize that’s exactly what I was doing.
And all that time, I knew I was in a different phase, a different time — and in the cocoon, I dreamed I was already a butterfly. But only now, as I’m truly ready to fly, do I realize that back then I was only dreaming.
But then again, is there really a difference between dreams and reality?
Whether from that side or this one, whatever realm reality is created in — energetic or material — may creation always be the best it can be.
Rebellion has always saved me, but now it’s gentler and wiser.
Let’s say it’s become diplomatic rebellion.
Gratitude to all those who supported me on my journey, and gratitude to those who didn’t — for they gave me the most important lesson of all — the lesson I learned the hard way: that I was the one who needed to believe in me.
No validation, no acceptance, no applause.
And now my strength is greater than everything — and because of that, I’ll keep traveling, not only for myself, but carrying with me all of my ancestry. And in the end, we will all be freed.
Freed from fear, freed from unworthiness, freed from feeling undeserving, freed from disbelief in ourselves. All freed.
Because I spent the last two years of my life immersed in the depths of myself — and therefore, I had access to all those patterns. I uncovered every belief that paralyzed me and finally understood that fear is a fence, not an end.
When you cross the fence, you find what you truly desire. You see who you really are, and you understand why and for what purpose you're here on this Earth.
So I’ve been jumping over all those fences that once looked like the end of the road.
But I got caught on one last fence and, for a while, it felt like I wouldn’t be able to escape.
So yes, I’m afraid — but I’m going anyway, because I believe so deeply in what I believe that I must stop thinking about it, I must stop talking about it — I must do it! I must embody it!
The Fool returns to the beginning. After her last, hard, and long journey through the 21 arcana of life, now she has more experience, more wisdom, more strength — but above all, much, much more to learn.
So I will leave the telescopic and macroscopic vision I contemplated from this window all this time, to now do the same from the outside.
Now I want to learn from the winds and the water's flow, now I want to learn from the stones, from the waves of the sea, now I want to learn from people.
Gratitude to the cold seasons — or even snow — on this island, gratitude to the irritating drizzles, gratitude to all the seasons I witnessed from this window.
Gratitude to those who passed through my life while I was here, to those who gave me their best, their time, their affection, thus bringing out the best in me — and gratitude also to those who took a few joules of my energy when they needed it more than I did.
Each one of these things and people was like a paintbrush with color, each with a different hue, painting the peacock’s tail — which now, finally, can open.
And at last, from the window, the doors of perception opened — and I, finally, stepped through.
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