First visit to the house of God

                                  


 Ayahuaska Experience I

It was as if someone had dropped eye drops into my third eye, and now I not only knew it existed, but I could feel it spinning and pressing against my forehead. Now, I could see through it.

I was doubtful but immensely hopeful. I think I always believed in nature. Intuitively, I always knew that the things in nature are not here without purpose. After all, everything that is not used is eliminated.

Panacea, the remedy for the soul, and mine were already crying out for help.

The star people left us this drink, the indigenous people say.

My life was no longer worth anything; death by natural means or "man-made" seemed appealing, as I could not directly take part in my own death. I couldn't bear the guilt of causing the same pain to those left behind as I felt when I was once abandoned.

I think it's like when you feel so much pain that you faint when you reach such an absurd state of suffering that you stop feeling anything, and when you surrender, you finally find the true happiness that was hidden inside you. It's the transformation of lead into gold.

I thought I wasn't feeling anything different yet. We were trying to access our spirit animals, our totems.

I was so hopeful that this visit to the house of God could help me. It had been so many years of estrangement; I didn't know if He would welcome me well. But I wanted to make peace; I had no other path. However, suddenly, I started to think my expectations weren't being met.

I began to have pessimistic thoughts, thinking it was all nonsense. "Ah, this is just a trip; I don't think this will help me at all; it's just more of the same..."

Suddenly, the ceremony ended, and I went to lie down in the hammock.

At the moment when we were searching for our spirit animals, I did see a ram. But I hadn't yet reached a state of mental purity that could bring certainty about what I saw. So, I didn't know if that was really my spirit animal or just a projection of my ego.

Lying in the hammock, I could hear people talking in the distance about their experiences, about what they had seen, or what their spirit animals represented to them.

As I listened to these conversations, I recalled my own experience, and up until that moment, everything seemed so meaningless to me. I had no convictions or didn't understand much about shamanism. Or was it that they were projecting those animals into what represented them or what they admired in themselves?

This entire process was only the first gate to the house of God.

When I finally faced the light, it appeared.

It was another version of me. She embraced me in the hammock. She emanated the purest love, the same love I once felt when God visited my room.

She smiled and hugged me. She lay curled up with me in the hammock, caressing my fingers and hands, running her hands through my hair, exuding joy at embracing me.

And then I asked myself: Is this how those I love feel when they receive my love?

How wonderful it was to feel my own love, how beautiful it was to be loved by me.

Oh! So this is what I've been giving people all along? How much love I have inside me, God, how wonderful this is! And many of them not only discarded all this love but also tried to kill it within me.

I could feel my own fingers, my own touch, my own affection and love. But when I comprehended the magnitude of it all, I began to feel indignation and wanted to blame those who didn't value all that I now saw as a part of me. When, momentarily, I started thinking about seeking justice against all those who hurt me, she said:

"Why do you do this to yourself? I love you so much!"

It was something far greater than words—it was emotions, sensations, and transcriptions.

I started crying. It was a cry of relief, joy, and indignation because, at that moment, everything seemed so obvious, as if it had always been there, only I couldn't see it. Then, I discovered that tears are purging and part of the healing process.

It was unbelievable to think that I hadn't been able to access all this before. I understood that the whole journey, and our entire journey, has everything to do with ourselves. The external world doesn't exist; it is only your own world because the external world is also built by your internal world.

I remembered all my self-destruction, all my unconscious suicide, and I realized how I had covered that being, my existence, my spirit or soul, with dark layers.

I understood that I was not here but that I was there. That I was not mortal but immortal, not my ego but my higher self.

I saw death. And I believe that this is why matter needs such a strong survival mechanism. Without it, we would all want to die.

Because what we call death is nothing more than our true home, and if we could remember it as it truly is, we would do anything to return there.

When I returned to my home, the joy was so immense that it extended to the entire rest of the universe, and I was also the universe, and everything else was also me.

After that first gate, I kept walking and then found another door. When I opened it, I began to hear all the thoughts I had about myself, all the negative thoughts and beliefs. Then, people started appearing in front of me, and it was as if those thoughts weren't contained in my mind but were being expressed to others just because they existed.

I tried to silence them and thought, "No, this cannot be said. I can't let this person know I think this about myself. Silence, silence all these thoughts that have turned into voices speaking so loudly."

I understood that thoughts are not thoughts, and they are not contained in our minds as we "think." They are our primary form of communication, our universal language, the most powerful and clear way of expressing ourselves, and just by existing, they can manifest.

I said to myself, "I understand, God... Now I know who I am, now I know what I am, now I know what death is, and now I understand how we truly communicate..."

I continued down the road and found the third door. When I entered, I saw all the colors present in a white room that contained only a wooden chair. You know, all those things you can't see? A completely white room with just one chair doesn't only have a chair.

There are colors around that chair, halos of energy that expand throughout the room, but we only see a white room with a chair—that's what eyes made of flesh can perceive.

Then I understood that there are two worlds in one, and one of these worlds is our true home. However, just as from the Moon you see the Earth much larger and brighter, while from Earth you only see the Moon's phases because of its reflection, we can clearly see what is on the other side of us when we receive the light of the Sun and have enough brightness to reflect it twice as much. When we don't have our own light, we can't see our own darkness, but darkness has a privileged view of the light.

This means that we will only be able to see what is still hidden in our lives when we learn or have the full capacity to produce and emit our own light. The greater it is, the greater your vision will be.

Analogically, we can call this self-love—something many talk about, but few truly understand.

It's about seeking your mission and detaching from old concepts. It's about burning all your beliefs and starting anew. It's about learning to communicate again with our most primitive language and removing all the layers we've created throughout our lives.

It's about protecting yourself under any circumstances, about giving voice to your emotions, and about listening to and observing the signs of your body. It's also about what you do with these signs, about not ignoring them. Self-love is about not fearing fear because you know nothing is worth your peace of mind—no pain you've chosen to cultivate, no trauma you've chosen to worship, no wound you insist on leaving open while waiting for justice that, in your perception, will only be justice if it punishes those who once punished you.

You don't realize they were teaching you, and life has no other purpose than learning.

Life without learning would be as empty as the universe without music.

Learning is the key, and people are the instruments. Exposure to experiences is like the elixir that drives the process of evolution and catalyzes the stages of our journey.

It was night; I looked at the sky and saw the stars—I was the stars. I looked at the fire, hypnotic and seemingly dancing to the rhythm of the drums playing at that moment, and I was the fire.

I sat on the ground, touched the soil, and felt the soil—I was the soil.

I saw the wind swaying the branches of the trees; it seemed like they were waving to me—I was them too.

And the wind, that same wind swaying the tree branches on that bright and beautiful night, that wind was inside me. I felt it every time I breathed deeply. That air that contained part of what the trees were giving me so I could breathe, that air that brought me life—I was that air, too.

Then I understood: after passing through so many gates that led me to the house of God, I had already arrived, and now I knew who and what God was.

Still immersed in all that soul ecstasy, I lay on the ground and felt the earth beneath me. I looked up and saw the sky above me. If I looked to the sides, there was fire, earth, or air, but I decided just to feel everything I was feeling, just to surrender to it all. Then, at last, it was as if I were dancing while lying on the ground. And then, I began to see thousands of colorful snakes around me dancing with me. I moved with their rhythm; I moved like them—I was them.

What an unusual thing! I had never felt an affinity for this animal; I always thought it was treacherous and dangerous. Now, however, there were no more egoic projections, and at last, I saw my true spirit animal.

Lying on the ground in a state of ecstasy, feeling gratitude that overflowed within me, I heard the sound of the drum and looked at it all—the lights, the people, the colors, the messages, the understanding—and I thought, "It will be impossible to forget this; I will never forget this."

And the snakes all around me—I saw them in the trees, colorful and shiny. They slithered over me; many stayed by my side. Some bit me, yet I felt no fear. On the contrary, I loved them. I felt no pain—I felt ecstasy, I felt strength, I felt soul plenitude. It was Kundalini.

I smiled at them, and we danced joyfully.

It seemed like we were concluding that journey of healing; it was the vaccine I took before leaving the house of God.

Only later, after returning to the material world, did I learn that having the snake as a spirit animal signifies the ability to transform and be reborn. It represents the power to shed old skin and create an entirely new one. And then I understood why it was my spirit animal, my totem.

Thiara Màtos.

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