How does the anxiety start?
There is an invisible line that connects us to all our ancestors. We are still part of them, whether we like it or not. Denying them is like denying ourselves; it’s like denying the stories that built and broke us, the stories that gave us opportunities to experience different ways of being.
They were what they could be, with the internal resources they had, based on the history presented to them and the challenges they faced in their incarnation. The same condition has been given to us.
Therefore, we are mistaken when we see them as those who could never make mistakes.
You know that boring subject you hate? Or that thing you’ve always wanted to be but feel incapable of achieving simply because you don’t think you’re strong enough to face it?
When you get so close to achieving what you want but still need to defeat the final boss in the video game, you never seem to succeed, forcing you to repeat the same cycle a thousand times until you beat that final enemy.
And then you think:
- I’m already so good at this phase, but I’ll have to learn everything again in the next one.
- Well, that excites and thrills me, just as it makes me uncomfortable and scared. It seems like something good, but I don’t know what’s out there, and not knowing is scarier than whatever might be there.
The final enemy of any cycle is guilt, self-punishment, and, above all, fear. That’s why every day, I look in the mirror and say to myself:
- I am not afraid of anything! Even though I am.
I’m playing with my mind, teaching it little by little that I don’t need fear as much as it thinks I do. I’m forming new neural pathways, creating new neuroplasticity in my brain. Even if fear shows up, it cannot dominate me.
The identities and references of those I loved most have melted away before my eyes in various stages of my life. This didn’t make them better or worse than me—it simply made them human.
The point is, it’s not about them; it’s about you.
Furthermore, we tend to become what we despise most. From this, we start repeating the same cycles as them, and before we realize it, we’re treating others in the same way we were treated, the very treatment we once condemned.
When you were growing up, were you invalidated?
Were you not allowed to be who you were?
Were you met with contempt, humiliation, and invalidation each time you showed a little of yourself in that place, which felt hostile despite being called home?
Welcome to the home of the black sheep.
Perfectionism, often idolized, is the result of a desire never to be second place again. It provides false security that nothing will go wrong and that you’ll always have the upper hand if you do everything perfectly. This advantage gives you comfort and safety, but it’s never enough.
So, you fight day after day to be the best. However, in your eyes, the best is always someone else, never you. And still keep fighting tirelessly, seeking something that will never bring you the certainty you crave.
This is you drowning in your darker side. But now, you’ve started seeking the surface, and I’m waiting for you here. I’m throwing you the rope, ready to pull you back. All you have to do is grab it.
I am not afraid of anything!
I find it hard to believe I’d fall back into that place, but even if I do, I know I’ll rise again. And if you want to come along, I’ll take you with me because I am not afraid of anything! I want you to see it. I want you to know you can get out, too.
After being subjected to so many reverse psychologies, you heard that you weren’t capable, that you couldn’t, that you didn’t deserve it, that you shouldn’t, that it wasn’t appropriate, that you weren’t normal. No, no, no!
Stop! Can we abolish this word from existence?
No.
We’ll have to deal with its presence.
It exists and is just as fundamental as emotions like anger. Anger is essential—it helps you defend yourself, react to injustices, and rise from the depths.
The comparison complex arises from our beliefs: constant comparisons between you and a sibling, a cousin, or the neighbor’s child, who are always better than you.
How do you feel now?
Does anyone see you?
Does anyone see who you are?
Or do you feel ignored, neglected, judged, and criticized?
Do you need to isolate yourself to deal with your problems because you believe you can’t count on anyone?
The wall is being built.
This is how we construct the wall.
You find strength in perfectionism, control, isolation, and hiding what you perceive as vulnerability.
It’s the Strength card of the Tarot.
But every Arcana, every phase of the Fool’s journey, has positive and negative sides. You enjoy the positive until the negative begins to reign, forcing you to move on to the next phase—whether you want to or not. " You surrender to change or offer in a loop."
The effort and strength you put into building the wall are meant to protect you. But you work tirelessly daily, unaware that the enemy you seek to keep out is yourself.
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