Me, myself and I

From a deep sleep, the Protagonist wakes up.

 

It seems someone called her.

 

I saw her waking up.

 

With those eyes that open all at once, not gradually. Eyes that are both smiling and ironic, as much as the smile on her face when she realized she had woken up.

She got out of bed all at once, without waiting for an alarm, without any laziness. Quite the opposite, she was revitalized from her rest.

 

When she looked around, she said to herself, "I’m back! Hahahahaha, I’m back!"

I bet the Extra is messing things up because, since I came back, it must be because someone called me. It can only be that. That Supporting Character never learns! I will send her back to her unicorn farm and take my place.

 

I’m back! Hahaha

 

Protagonist:

• Heeeey baby, long time no see... What the hell is going on here? What’s the mess this time?

Extra:

• Protagonist? What are you doing here? You were supposed to be outside; I don’t need you here.

Protagonist:

• It looks like someone disagreed; someone woke me up and called me. Spill it; what mess did you cause this time?

Extra:

• I didn’t do anything wrong. Everything is fine and peaceful here. I’m happy, and I’ve been taking care of myself. I don’t understand why you’re here.

Antagonist:

• Yess... uh-huh... Well, give me a little twirl, at least you did one thing right, huh?!

You lost a ton of weight! Haha, congrats! You made me look good, now get lost, I’m dying to try on my new looks.

Extra:

• Yes, you know the body is a reflection of the mind. But since you only care about your appearance, you forget what makes it what it is.

 

Protagonist:

 

• Bla bla bla. Here she goes again with those philosophical talks full of sermons.

Look, here’s the deal: I’m not at all interested in staying here with you, I’m sure you’ll just keep with your boring talks, and I’m not in the mood for that, actually, I never was, right?

 

And you know I don’t like anyone regulating me, besides, I don’t think the God would not be so cruel to you that she would leave you here with me, haha, because even you won’t handle it.

 

But if I’m here, you messed up, and someone called me. Don’t you know who it was?

Extra:

• Maybe I do know, but I’m not sure because, at the same time, I don’t think I did anything wrong. As I said, everything has been peaceful, I’ve just been giving love to people and to myself.

 

Protagonist:

• Okay, you won’t tell me, I’ll check the history. Let’s see...

 

Hmm, interesting... Wait a minute!!!

 

What the hell is this here?

 

They’re massacring me and you didn’t do anything to defend me, while I couldn’t do it for myself?

 

I can’t believe what I’m seeing... They’re laughing in my face, underestimating me, stepping on my dignity, and you did NOTHING??? I can’t believe it!!!

What were you doing when they were doing this to me? Come on! Tell me! Were you riding a unicorn, chatting with the clouds, or what were you doing this time that you let them do this?

 

Extra:

• I didn’t do anything wrong, I was just being honest as I should. I’ve just been loving people. You know I don’t care about those things because I think it’s just a limitation they still have, it’s their resources.

 

I feel compassion and hope they see for themselves. I don’t need to turn off anyone’s light for mine to shine. Actually, I like observing their light and how they use it or not; this way, I learn a lot about life here.

 

I let them show themselves, talk, or boast about whatever they want. I find it funny how people behave, it’s not about us anyway, it’s about them.

 

I admire humble people. I have pleasant and interesting conversations with them, and I contemplate the beauty in that, and with those others, who only talk about themselves or what they have or no longer have, you know, those shallow, superficial conversations, just like the life they carry, I just observe them.

 

I wonder why they do that, and then I start creating theories about it, which is even fun for me.

 

I think they place too much value on the material world, as if they were going to stay here forever. Since this is what matters most to them, they think talking about what they have or what they appear to be can also attract others.

 

There’s a lot of insecurity here too, and instead of working on their weaknesses, they hide them and try to show a ‘beautiful’ world that doesn’t really exist, so they can hide what they consider ugly in themselves.

 

I also have a theory about the wounded ones, or those who have unlearned how to receive love.

 

These are the ones I have the most compassion for.

 

They were good, sensitive, and loving but were hurt so much, so they’ve found a way to keep going by repeating the pattern of what was done to them.

 

This is one of the biggest problems here because we experience situations that might hurt us at every moment, but as long as we keep repeating the patterns of those who made us suffer, we will always hurt more people. If no one breaks the cycle, humanity stays sick.

 

So, do you understand? You don’t need to worry about these things. This isn’t about me or you; it’s about them and the lack of resources they still lack or haven’t developed to deal with their own pain.

 

Protagonist:

• Ugh, I’m tired of you. You don’t get it. To live here, you need to have guts, got it? And you don’t have that. You’ve been here too long, proving you can’t handle the mission. Do you think the people here are like those on the outside?

 

Wake up, Sleeping Beauty, this is Earth, these people aren’t ready for your soft talk.

Here, it’s eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, the land of Cain and Abel, here, baby, it’s the law of the strongest, and no one here thinks love is strength. You can’t survive here this way, that’s why I’m back.

 

Now I’ve got a lot of your mess to clean up.

 

Damn, you’re ruining everything! I’m going to have a hell of a job fixing this mess... And it’s no use; I won’t let you stay here. You’re going back, and I’ll stay.

 

The Extra put her hand on her head, looking down with a disapproving look, seeming concerned about the whole situation.

 

Meanwhile, the Protagonist applied her red lipstick and got ready, looking at herself in the mirror excitedly, thinking about what she was going to do with those who underestimated her. Smiling to herself, she said, "Did they think I’d sleep forever? Haha."

 

And despite everything, despite feeling humiliated and without dignity, she laughed inside, thinking about the fun she would have putting each one in their place, of course, in her way, right?

 

Protagonist:

• Give me that phone, I’m going to put on some music. I couldn’t stand that silence anymore, it was awful.

What? Where are my Spotify playlists? Where are my punks?

 

Did you delete my folders?

Extra:

• No, I didn’t delete anything, they’re still there, I just don’t listen to them as often as you do. I prefer romantic and healing songs that bring good energy or feelings. I’m not 15 anymore to keep living like a rebellious teenager.

 

My way of protesting isn’t through hatred or blaming the other side, whatever it may be.

I’m here to break the negative cycles, not to feed them.

 

I think people waste their artistic potential when the message conveyed in their art carries something like that. There are many other ways to convey a message about the world's injustices, and as long as it’s passed on with tones of hate, revenge, and anger, the purpose of inhabiting a just world becomes more and more distant.

 

Well, this will certainly resonate with those who are still deeply immersed in their traumas and indignations and find it hard to free themselves from it, or maybe with those who have found relief in complaints, retaliation, and insults as a temporary escape from their anguish coming from this still very unbalanced and unjust planet.

So, I protect my energy, surround myself with what is good and what makes me feel good, and offer the best of myself to others, too.

 

Protagonist:

• Well, I love my rock and roll, the angrier I feel, the louder I want to hear punk rock, then the adrenaline goes up, my survival instinct here, strong and resilient, emerges, then I look in the mirror and tell myself I’m the one who runs this shit!

And done, one more problem solved, no whining.

 

Speaking of rock and roll, I’m dying to see my buddy, I’m going to her house soon. I’ve got a lot to catch up on, since you left me hanging outside for so long. And besides, I’m also dying to drink some strong booze while listening to Nina Simone’s vinyl, our favorite song, Sinnerman.

 

Extra:

• No, no, no, none of that! If you’re going to stay here, you’re not drinking, and ruining everything I’ve done so far. Plus, didn’t you forget that God forbade you?

 

Because Protagonist, you act like you don’t care, but in reality, you hurt yourself the most because you feel hurt by anything. That’s our big difference.

It doesn’t matter what others say or think about me, none of that affects me, but you’re not emotionally strong and always end up taking it out on your body with your indignations.

 

You don’t have control, you always talk badly about the outside, but it’s there you go every time you see things aren’t going well for you.

 

You never knew how to enjoy the pleasures of life with balance because everything has to be so radical for you? You only complain about what I’ve been doing here, but every time you come here, you mess everything up and who has to come fix it, huh?

 

Did you forget the last time? You left me sick, it took me a long time to recover, and also to rebuild everything you destroyed since you never consider anything, never think about the consequences, don’t care about anything. But when things get tight here, I am the one who have to fix it.

 

Protagonist:

• Damn it! I’d forgotten about this dry law, so I can’t even have a little wine now... I can already see that these days here are going to be intense. Earth without carnal pleasures, that’s the last thing I needed.

 

And what are you doing then? Going to church? Hahaha please don’t tell me it’s that. Because if I have to go to church too, I think I’d rather stay sleeping outside.

 

Another thing, come on, admit it, you need me. I don’t even know how you survived all this time without me. But relax, here I am again, leave it to me, I know what I’m doing.

And of course, I’m not emotionally strong, because I don’t have emotions! Hahahaha

Better than having strong emotions is having no emotions!

 

You’re the idiot who wastes your time with that in a world where emotions aren’t valued. And deep down we’re all a bunch of selfish people, and even when it’s possible to feel something, we actually feel it because of how the other makes us feel or how special we feel when someone notices us, or in other words, no one cares about anyone else, only about themselves.

 

Why would I care about that? I’ve got more interesting things to do here.

Let’s change everything here, redo all this tacky decoration. I refuse to live the life you’re living. What are you doing for your career, for your future, are you working?

Studying?

 

Saving money?

 

How’s your social circle?

 

And the part I like most, what have you been doing for fun?

 

These practical things you have no interest in because you stay here wanting to act like you’re on the outside, fooling yourself in your Extra's world, thinking you just have to do what you like, or that you should do less than you should because you need time for yourself, time to think, because that’s all you do.

 

What the hell are you thinking about? I’ve never seen anything like this, you waste hours and hours doing nothing practical, just staring at the ceiling or the window and daydreaming.

 

Where’s it at? I want results. Because when it’s my turn, I’m going to tear this place down, I won’t even think about it, I’ll just go without looking back, without thinking there could be other paths than this one.

 

Extra:

• The fact is, we have different ways of interpreting love. For me, love is pure and beautiful, the kind that has its roots in the womb of the universe and is the owner of the vibrational energy that all creatures should seek, since this is our true purpose here, to evolve until we become what we essentially are, love.

 

This selfish and empty love you portray is not true love. True love is unconditional, it supports, protects, shields, and respects. It remains, even after discovering the other’s flaws, because it also recognizes itself as a flawed being.

 

True love is the one that resists pain because it also sees purpose in it, since the learning acquired through failures, pain, and bad days are actually different ways of offering the opportunity for learning to the other, and this is one of the literal translations of love, it’s what makes it what it is.

 

And yes, I’ve been doing practical things, but you know my focus here isn’t that, I’m more interested in growing from within.

 

You left everything dark here. There were so many things I had to fix.

 

I also lost people I loved because of your pride, ignorance, and lack of tolerance, and I also lost opportunities to be with people who truly loved me because you were always too busy with your practical things of this material and fleeting life, underestimating the real obligations of our true home, which is eternity.

 

And when I talk about material, I don’t mean exactly status and money, but the way you see life in general.

 

Everything is extreme and fleeting for you. And it amazes me to hear you talk about the future. What exactly were you doing for our future the last time you were here?

 

You have no compassion for people, you only think about yourself, you’re completely dependent on the pleasures that are so widely offered here in many possible ways.

So, when you start realizing that all of this is an illusion, you feel sad and empty, you look back and see that you haven’t gone anywhere.

 

You stayed here for years, and during all these years, even though you get easily tired of everything, you never got tired of living the same life, never got tired of your own patterns. I had to come back to fix that, or you would have spent the rest of our lives doing the same thing.

 

I don’t know how you don’t see, how you don’t see, how you misrepresent freedom by interpreting and living it wrongly.

 

Protagonist:

• Look here, the deal is this, I’m not going to stay here listening to your nonsense, I’ve got more to do.

 

I already spent a long time on the other side without being able to come here even for vacations, and you know that when I want something, I don’t ask for it, I just take it.

Who’s the protagonist here, huh? You’re just an Extra, I own this area, go count the butterflies in God’s garden and let me handle things here, after all, if someone called me, it was because I had to come, so baby, don’t even think about me coming back...

 

Extra:

• Shhh, shut up, look! She's here.

Protagonist:

• Damn, this is bad...

God:

• Protagonist and Extra, what’s going on here?
• You’re fighting again? I heard you both yelling from up there and came to see what’s going on.

Protagonist:

• God, this idiot is messing everything up here. She’s letting people spit on my dignity, they’re tearing me down, underestimating my strength, and thinking I’m like this fool. I can’t let this happen, someone called me, so I came back, and I’m here to stay.

Extra:

• God, I’m sorry if I got carried away, but my intention wasn’t to fight. I was just telling her that every time she comes, she causes many problems, and in the end, I have to come fix it. This time, I don’t want her to destroy everything I’ve worked for to get us this far.

God:

• I understand. Really, when you two start this dispute, you’re so argumentative that it’s hard to measure right from wrong, but the truth is, what needs to be evaluated here isn’t that.

 

You’ll only successfully complete your purpose, whether inside or outside, when you make peace and learn to work together.

 

This is the most important challenge you both need to overcome.

 

But the journey is long, so you two need to be smart enough to know who should take the lead and when.

 

Extra, you’ve done a wonderful job here, in many ways. You’ve broken patterns, found self-love, which in turn extended to loving others. You’ve evolved and learned a lot because you made the effort for it. All of this has been an undeniable contribution to this journey and should not be forgotten or ignored.

 

However, you need to recognize that for some uniquely earthly situations, the Protagonist must return, because in those terms, she has more skill than you, because she’s from here, do you understand?

 

I understand it’s hard to deal with your sensitivity in a world of insensitive people, but that’s exactly why you have the Protagonist.

 

Someone called her, and when one of you receives a call, it means it’s time to return to your post.

 

Protagonist:

• Yeah, baby, accept it, it hurts less, I’m a PhD in my field.

God:

• Protagonist, you know things are different here now, right? The Extra has done a lot, and I don’t want that to be overlooked, okay? It’s to help evolution, not regress it.

But you stay, and do your part.

 

Extra:

• But God, can’t I stay here with her too? Do I really need to go now?

The Protagonist already gives her a disapproving look, as if she didn’t want any company here that could mess up her plans.

 

God:

• Extra, for now, it’s necessary for her to be alone, but this will be necessary for both of you.

After this, you can come back, my dear.

But what you both really need is to stop fighting about who stays or leaves, blaming each other, and making it difficult for one or the other to intervene when needed.

When you learn that both of you will only achieve what you truly want and need, and when you learn to use the best of each of you according to the situation presented, you will happily exchange shifts without contesting one another.

Also, if you both used this skill, making an external call wouldn't be necessary; you would be able to recognize the appropriate moments and call each other.

Extra:

• That’s true, God. I’ll go back. I understand the challenge, and I’ll do my best to help us work this way.

 

Protagonist:

• Can I go now?

 

God:

• Yes, you can go, I know you know what you’re doing, but don’t forget what I’ve asked of you. Don’t let things go as far as last time, and call the Extra back when you feel you need to.

The Protagonist responds that she will fulfill God’s request, but when it comes to her, it’s hard to anchor any certainty since she’s unpredictable and only does what she wants. However, despite all her peculiar traits, she now seemed much more obedient than she ever was.

 

God:

Extra, then you can come with me. I think you also need a rest, so I’ll take you outside. I won’t let you sleep, and I don’t think you could anymore since you’ve been here for a long time.

 

I’ll take you to the energy exchange sector so you can learn more about the energy of other elements of nature, which are also part of you, and stay away from human energy for a while. In other words, I’ll take you to your essence and your home.

The Protagonist, already more than ready to leave, grabs her headphones, turns off the light, and closes the door.

In the black and white world she’s part of, all the scenes begin to color once she plays her soundtrack.

 

Now, finally feeling alone and back, she says to herself:

 

It’s impressive how arrogant kings are and how dependent they are on protection. Everyone has to mobilize to defend them while they remain with their limited steps towards known neighboring territories.

 

Meanwhile, the queen removes any threat from her path fearlessly, without remorse, and without regrets. Many want her, and those who have her fear losing her.

Besides, she always goes wherever she wants, whether on this board or any other.

And now, she’s just taken the first step.

Thiara Màtos.